IF YOU WANT TO TALK MY THOUGHTS ARE THE POST-ITS ON YOUR WINDSHIELD

I'm writing in my journal again. I forgot how freeing it was to write by hand. Since I practically hang out with my Cookietown friends every single night the only things my hands have been occupying are cigarettes or other substances of indulgence. I like blogging a lot, but journaling is more.... soulful.

On that random note, I Hate Facebook. It's nauseatingly simplistic, wrought with spineless vanity, and is an idle addiction. I mean since when the FUCK do we have to let our friends, family members, and possible one night stands know that we're eating Cheerios at 4 am and that aShlEy or m3g@n "likes this". Jesus Christ, is this really what the humans have come to? Remember when people had that thing called ummmm what is it? oh yeah! SUBSTANCE?! or hey, even I don't know, a LIFE?!

But the kicker is, EVERYBODY has one. Well, except my Mom because she, you know, WORKS. And because EVERYBODY has one and because I suck hard at keeping in touch with people and because I want to know what happens to EVERYBODY, what they're doing, feeling, thinking, going through, and yes, even what kind of cereal their eating. Not really, but you get the picture. All because the world is a sphere of happenings and being someone who has been in several life threatening situations, I want to connect with the humans. Damn it.

This blog post will be longer sometime in the near future.
I'm hungover.
& I "like this".

why errbody gotta hate on smokers?

i think it's bullshit that our campus is going to be "smoke free".
why are they taking away one of my liberties, when they have
done nothing to accomodate smokers in the first place?
they say that smokers are trashing the school, and are smoking too
close to entry ways when really it's because we don't have a
fucking shelter to smoke in. you want to complain about 2nd hand?
give me a gazebo to smoke in like Berea college has in Kentucky.
Those are the only designated places one can go to smoke. I think
if Tech had that then there wouldn't be as many problems but
NO.
i think the only reason why people are even paying attention to
cigarettes is because that's what the current socialist movement
in our country is looking at: how they're getting more expensive,
how much health issues they cause, how this, how that.
who gives a fuck.
honestly, why is it of anyone's concern?
it's personal choice.

i'm still here

Play: Thursday by the Pursuits

... ... ... ...



all is well.
my last final of freshman fall semester is at 3:30.
i opened my diary last night.
there were only a few entries from the beginning
of this year.
it was rather disappointing.
i wish i would have documented my experience
more thoroughly, yet this blog has helped do that
somewhat.
this semester has been a blur.
i feel like August was a million miles away
and i've changed for the better.
i've grown up severely.

it's odd.
everyone thinks that they have a
decent amount of maturity, but then
life happens and you realize you're
not as prepared as you thought.

next semester will be very busy, but
i'll get through it.
i'm just happy i'm staying here.
i thought that I would lose my scholarship
but misinformation is usually the heart
of drama, and i'm in the clear.

my room is in shambles.
there is a pile of clothes that is blockading
the closet, stuffed under the bed with "a shit
ton" of "random" .. well shit.
every surface in the room is covered
with junk.
my closet is a mess of shoes and
shirt and a gigantor guitar case.
i must clean.

tomorrow i am going back to Memphis.
i am excited, but i will miss my Cookeville friends.
i think it will be a good break for us, though, because
we hang out every single day.
that'll have to change come next semester.
i'll be crazybusy.
oh, well.

c'est la vie (that's probably spelled incorrectly..)

out with it

the computer i am on is dying
but i just needed to post this
because i have to write



i have fucked up.
royally.

i am not this person.





i am this person.


i have let down my professors, myself.
but most importantly,
i have let down the one person who has
busted her ass for me -
my mother.

i only hope that things will work out
i want to stay
i need to stay

i am not a fuck up.
i can't be.

5 am self-resolutions & white hot excitement

Is this a good back piece for a tattoo design?



*********************
In other news,
if the fire is still
there.. if there is
still that "can't-eat, can't-sleep,
reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence,
world-series kind of stuff"
after a long while,
i think we're it.

no snooz & rememberance.

i am awake.
everyone has either passed out
or left.
i took a caffeine pill
i am awakeeeee.
& since i am taking advantage
of not being sick for
the past 8 minutes i want
to make this post creative
and post videos of some of my favorite
scenes from movies.
i want to be a screenplay writer.
i LOVE film.
i want to go to film school or take
a film class one day.

& I Dare Say,

I've been able for the first time in a long, long time..
Walk away from him.
It's alarming that I am letting go with some sort of
torturesque ease.
I thought I couldn't breathe without him.
It's still hard.
I'm making shallow breaths.
That is all.

i hate you.

i don't know what to say.
what happened.
why.
i'm gone.
emotionally and physically
drained
of everything.
i am a particle.
and these are
practicalities.
fuck this.

& don't.come.back...?

Won't Go Home Without You

Maroon 5

Have you ever been in a dark place

it could last

for seconds, days, months.

But if you see through it, you come out?

John and I had an Olsen twin moment.

You know that instant bonding moment

that catapults your friendship to the new

level whether for the good or bad?

conclusion: I hate the vulnerability that

comes with an entanglement of two people

from the past, present, future.

-subnote: this conclusion

alludes to the nameless boy.

Not John lol. John is with Aaron,

remember, Cyberspace?

Play "Shall I Believe" by Sheryl Crow While You Read This.

hometown boys.
let's talk about hometown boys.
they never really leave you, you know.
----------------------------------------

cut to Saturday morning.
4 hrs of sleep, after
laborious games of screwdriverpong
the night/morning before.
it's 9ish
& there is fresh snow on the ground
but it's time to go work at the concession
stands for the speech and debate team.
Great.
Bobby picks Sassy Cat and I up.
we go.
There are too many team members
behind the counter.
We are there for ten minutes.
Miscommunicaton ensues between
me and a team leader. He thought
I was supposed to work the day before.
I told him that I told him the previous Wednesday that I couldn't.
and then tell him that I am sorry and that
I should've been more clear.
He eases up and then tells me to be a
cashier.
I am hungover.
This will not work.
I tell him I'd be too slow.
(This is not true. I have
a mental block with working
with money, because of an
rageful bi-polar ex boss
who was in his mid 20s
and bitter, and who mentally
abused his employees.
It's weird. I'm able to do the work.
I just freeze up and can't. I know it
sounds stupid...)
I'm really surprised I just wrote that.
It's embarrasing.
Anyway, the team leader is infuriated
and tells me to literally go "bye bye."
Asshole.
Anyway, I leave. It's cold and I feel
like crying, because I just can't seem
face my fear. It's hindering. Just as
I'm treking across the parking lot
half-miserable yet half-relieved that
I get to sleep, my phone rings.
Sassy Cat.
My heart sings.
It felt like a scene
straight out of a movie:
there we are in a sea of
people, some top 40
song blasting through the

stadium speakers,
and I tell him to turn around.
I catch up with him.
He didn't want to work
and there was nothing for him
to do, so he came to find me.
So we walk from the stadium
to 4th street throwing snowballs on
the stretch of Willow
then stopping to smoke
cigarettes on the playground.
I tell him thank you over and over.
We watch T.V. at Bobby's,
so drained, for 3hrs then
decide to run errands.
We walk to Sassy's apartment
to get Titus, the ghetto white
Dodge Neon. On the
walk, the sun is shining through
the branches and I hook
my arm in the crook of his
and tell him I want to remember
this experience forever.
He shrugs me off
and says in normal
caveman Sassumslang
"Too much affection."
I laugh. Aaron is gay
and is married to John
who is also part of the
crew and utterly amazing.
We take Titus to Wal-Mart
to replace a tire then get
cigarettes (through a drive thru
window, no doubt!)
that's when I see Illusions and
squeal. I've been wanting to
go inside there for 2 yrs.
We enter. It's a knock off
of Spencer's, yet sells
skateboards and has an
adjacent tattoo parlor.
On a whim, after consulting
my best friend on the phone, I
get my nose pierced.
My piercer is super cool.
He's been piercing for 7 yrs.
When the metal penetrated,
it hurt. My eyes watered
and for a splitsecond I wanted
to cry, but then after a moment
the pain passed. I'm ecstatic.

Sassums Catticus and I
then venture to Dollar General
where I purchase Leroy's
medicene. At Bobby's, I administer
the meds then go to Sassy's.
We chill there for awhile
then go with John to Long John Silver's.
I am tired of spending money, so I
played to coin machine where you try
to get a nickel, quarter, or dime on one
of the ledges for a free side order.
I win hush puppies.
I am elated.
We get in Titus to take the food home
and feast in front of the "demon"/"jabber"box
as John likes to call the television.
During the car ride, my phone
crackles the intro to Beneath the Balcony.
1 New Txt Msg
It is an unrecognizeable phone number.
But it has Memphis area code.
The message says "Whaaatttt Upppp."
It's him. I know it is.
I hope it is.
I say who's this.
It is him.
My first love.
(NOT MY SHITTY EX THAT
I WROTE ABOUT IN AN EARLIER
BLOG!)
I'd been thinking about what
would be of us come Christmas
break. I kept up an inner monologue
throughout the past week about
getting with him. And then this. We
haven't talked in months.
We text for hours
that night.
He wants me.
I am surprised.
I am fulfilled.
We arrive at Johns.
My best friends Jenna, Austin, and
Savannah arrive from
Murfreesboro.
We then go to Bobby's as
he's arrived home.
Everyone comes over.
We get the bright idea to play
screwdriverpong.
Hours pass as the stereo plays
and we are all wasted.
I think I am about to vomit.
I have never thrown up from
alcohol.
I just hate throwing up.
So, I go to the bathroom.
The urge subsides and I lay down.
As I lay down, I bang my head on
the wall or floor...I can't remember.
It hurts. But I lay there for a while.
Then Savannah comes for me.
I arise and go to the couch.
They tell me not to go to sleep
because I may have a concussion.
I sleep.
After proving I don't have one,
we go to Taco Bell and feast in
the car with techno blasting.
It's heaven.
We go to Sassum's
and pass out in the guest bedroom.

My Black Illegitimate Child & Irrelevancy

For someone who has come across shitluck in the past month or so, this week has turned out to be mighty fine :) thank goodness! I hope the spell is broken. I don't have bad days. I have bad weeks.. I feel like myself again, like I was at the beginning of the year. Only more tired and not as enthusiastic. Go adulthood.

I have to go get my cat a new litter box. Correction: Bobby and I have to get OUR cat a new litter box and litter and other crap. We are the estranged parents of a "mildly" retarded kitten. We haven't had a professional diagnosis, but our friends are cruel intellectuals.

We call him our black illegitmate child. Bobby and I act as if we're divorced parents who are good friends. It's odd. He keeps Leroy, yes that is our retarded kitten's name...more on that later, at his ghettofied apartment off of 4th street. Until I get my apartment, Leroy will stay with his father.

Leroy is a small black kitten with huge yellow owl eyes, a tiny face, and fat belly. He has a white diamond on his chest and a big patch of white on his lower belly and white armpit hair. We rescued him from behind John's Peppertree apartment deck and he's been ours ever since...well ever since a month or so ago. He looks like Choco Cat (above) from Hello Kitty. So I named him Choco Cat or Choco for short. Bobby named him Leroy. We combined the two names ungracefully in compromise: Leroy Choco the Third. Lame. And so the name Leroy stuck. Oh well.

We think Leroy is sick though :( So we have to find a cheap vet and take him soon. Otherwise he may not be able to live at our friend John's house since Bobby's moving in and John has a cat named Remus who's healthy and may catch whatever Leroy has. I think he has worms. :( And those can kill kitties, so yeah, gotta do that soon!

....

I started writing this blog earlier and now I am back from Wal-Mart with Bobby.

I bought a cat tent.

Yes, a pop-up cat tent.

And when I was in Memphis at Target, I bought Leroy a black hoodie that says Bah Humbug.

These items are precious and cheap.

Hoorah!

Well, now I am off to go do cat toilet maintenance.

Boo.

Soundtrack of My Life: A Mix Tape

1. Wake Up by The Arcade Fire
This song makes me feel like I've just accomplished
the greatest reward in the world. Every time a perfect
moment occurs in my life, this song is the one that is
roaring in my ears. It's hopeful and utterly inspiring.
It's the song that'll be in my head when I die and transform.

2. Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups
This song is a car stereo necessity. It's an "I'm embarking
on an adventure" kinda song. Very upbeat and bizarre.. like me on
a good day.

3. Pretty Girl from Cedar Lane by The Avett Brothers
First and foremost, The Avett Brothers are one of my all time
favorite bands. And what's awesome about this song is
that I feel like it's written about my experiences with
some oddball guys. But what's even better
is that when I was kid I grew up on Cedar Lane. :)

4. Good Enough by Evanescence
Evanescence has been my favorite band from the 6th grade
to the 10th grade. They're still one of my all-time faves as well.
This song describes my perfect love and how I'd express myself.
It's like she wrote it for me.

5. Change by The Deftones
This song has been the anthem for my tumultous
friendships I've had over the recent years. It's
perfectly angry and honest and asserting. I love it!

6. The Sea & the Rhythm by Iron & Wine, also Beneath the Balcony
These songs are so sensual, sweet, spiritual, and quiet.
I love to do art while listening to them, or just close my
eyes and relax with my iPod.

7. In the Throes by Liz Durrett
This song was my anthem during a very very depressing
time in my life when me and my best friend got grounded
over the summer. Long story.

8. Happy Christmas (War is Over) by John Lennon
Every christmas my mom's side of the family gets
wasted in a sleepy small town in New Hampshire
and sings this song together as a family. My mother
has six sisters and a brother. It's tradition. I love them.

9. Allman Brothers
Me and my father have found common ground because
of them.

10. Keep Ya Head Up by 2Pac
It's inspiring. His voice is sexy. Period!

11. Anyone Else But You by The Moldy Peaches
I played this to death in my mom's PT Cruiser the day
and months following my first real heartbreak.

12. Tire Swing by Kimya Dawson
Same reason.

There are countless other songs I want to list but that'd take me all night.

& the World makes Sense again (at least for the remainder of this 24 hr period)

so I realize that my blog has been a tad negative in the month of November.
i whole heartedly blame it on the approaching winter and the ending semester.
it seems as if my first semester was a lifetime.
not in that it took forever,
but the fact that i have changed
into a new life form.
hmmm sorry Iron & Wine just began playing.
Awesome.
Go listen to Beneath the Balcony by them.
Right now!
ADD moment over - I am such a happier human being.
Life is so much more meaningful, so much more intricate.
Though, I've experienced a long bout of depression for the
month, I'm getting better. I'm just at the edge of the Hole.
I'm just glad I'm not at the bottom anymore..
I feel an undeserved sense of accomplishment.
I don't feel like I've done well in Andy's class.
I just like to write.
That's been my saving grace through out this whole process.
I don't care if anyone reads this.
I'd rather be honest, than silent.