Saturday, October 17, 2009

Feist, the Cold, & Nostalgia

So, it took me nearly a year to stop talking to him. We met on December 22nd or 23rd of last year. I was completely infatuated with being in a relationship and became overly doting and utterly spineless. I wanted to be perfect. We were coming up on our "one month anniversary" (yes, yes. pathetically revolting, but i don't know what else to call it. it's not like we were going to exchange gifts or anything, though. hah.), and then he called me, told me NO. No more us. Game Over. K.O. I was crushed, devasted. I went to school late that morning, because I just couldn't seem to rouse myself to do anything as hellish or monotonous as school. As I was driving, I was crying and playing the Juno soundtrack nonstop, chain smoking. Now, mind you, this was my first relationship. I was clueless and unrealistic about dating, relationships, the male psyche, etc. I'd had a burning desire to have romantic involvement since I was 14 years old. It was like this gnawing need for someone to stand there and tell me all the things I wanted to hear and to desperately believe about myself, something I'd wanted for sooo long was finally here and I was determined to cultivate it, nurture it, for christ's sake milk it so I could prove to my peers around me that yeah, I was wanted. He told me the night he broke up with me that he needed some time to figure things out and that he needed to be single in order to do so. The next night he tells me the truth, he's getting back with his ex.

After a very short time later (can't remember exactly) , we date again. 2 weeks go by. We're at our friend Adam's house and my ex gets a phonecall and goes outside. This wasn't unusual as people were always calling him and the TV was turned up super loud and I figured he'd probably went outside to smoke/talk as well. But then after a few minutes, a small.pleading.demanding voice tells me Go Outside. For the sake of your happiness, go outside! So, I did. He was talking in the front yard. I lit a cigarette making it obvious that I or at least someone was out there, too. My ex couldn't see me as Adam's front walkway is obscured by large hedges. And I hear him say, "I love you and you know I still want to have a chance with you, right?"

I froze. I couldn't process anything. He walked up to me, looked taken aback, then in an aggressively, defensive tone goes, "What?!" I shook my head, looked away. "Whatever," He said then walked inside. I stood outside Adam's bedroom door for about 5 minutes. My ex finally decided to come find me.

"We need to talk," I mustered. So, we went out to his truck.

"Are you mad 'cause I told her I loved her? Because Alyssa, I always will."

"No, Brandon. I understand that. It was the fact that you told her that you still wanted a chance with her."

........His idiotic ramblings & excuses ensue.........

And then, I laid into him. I snapped. I was me again...only ravenous: Opinionated, Engraged, Passionate, Vengeful, Feminist, Cocky, Blunt.

It's like the old me had been lying dormant and finally just imploded.

I demanded my shit back, right then and there. My blanket, the CD I gave him, a lighter I gave him---> (petty, but hey, I was pissed. I didn't want anything that was assosciated with me with him) I threw a condom wrapper at his face and told him to keep the memory, because I wouldn't. (p.s. i'd like to believe that when you're with the wrong person, they are a terrible lay. at least, to you, because you're not supposed to be with be with them and sex is meant to be respected as it is a spirtual, honest connection. (you call it naiveness, i call it optimism)

About 2 months go by without any contact. I was getting better, getting focused. But, still I hurt. It started to fade with time, but slowly.

He called me while I was on the highway, driving to a Speech and Debate tournament. I answered and we talked for a half an hour. We were pleasant, conversational. I cried in the hotel room that night. My mom said it was too soon. I said, I know.

We started talking again. My graduation night, he tried to push me into another relationship. I said No. He pouted and voiced his emoness on Facebook. I can't believe I let this guy see me naked :( ugh! And then I consented, because neither he or myself wanted to be alone for the summer and blah blah blah. We were up and down. One minute, I love you and my feelings are getting stronger for you. The next, yeah we're probably going to break up before I leave for college but at least we acknowledge it and are comfortable with it. Then he'd push me away. I'd push him away. We were bored of each other. I broke up with him two weeks before I left for college and up until this past week talked to him on the phone a few times a week.

I'll say this happened Tues(?). We were talking on the phone and I was giving him advice, encouraging him, as usual.. when he tells me that he doesn't care what I have to say and that all the advice that everyone is telling him is just going through one ear and out the other. I told him that he was obviously looking for advice or at least a reaction to what he was bitching about otherwise he wouldn't always talk about it and that it was pointless for us to speak if he's not even listening. I hung up the phone and finally accepted the fact that I don't matter to him and that's okay. I didn't still talk to him because I had feelings for him. I talked to him because I wanted to help him and to have attention.

I haven't talked to him for days and it feels great. Honestly, I really wouldn't care to ever speak to him again. It's seriously gotten to the point where, the thought of communicating with him repulses me. I was just sick of his involvment in my life and my utter lack of self-respect 'n will power that kept me from ending it light years ago. It's like I've been chronically chewing gum for almost a year and finally got the chance to spit it out. Though, it left a bad taste, dating that rat bastard actually made me who I am today. I feel content and fulfilled and realize that I don't need anybody to feel whole or to feel wanted or to feel important. And above all else, I'm good enough.

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