A Process

I look at the cyclical nature of life. I look at my mind and see patterns, here and there. But then there's this godawful fabric that twists and ties my cerebral ambiance and I can't shake it loose. 

When I wrote those old posts way back when... I was a different person. Or maybe now, I've evolved. Not too terribly different as in interests, likes, and dislikes, but attitude & maturity wise, it's the same. 

I'm so happy I was able to come back here. I love the name of my blog since it has the same title of a poem I wrote way back in high school. 

I'm being secretive right now. Even though there's a lot brewing in my brain

. 

i tend to hold myself accountable for things i couldn't help

as i'm writing this first sentence, i'm trying to think of what the title of this mind nugget should be. irrelevant. i got back from leia's. i was there for like 5 or so hours. we drank coconut rum.watched Water for Elephants.and talked about things i've never been through. but this is the most selfish point of this nugget, beneath the white meat. it's the nucleus of the molecule of the grease. watching Water for Elephants inspired me to want to take writing seriously again. career level wise. to be a screenplay writer if anything, like i've always wanted to do. like i told myself when i was driving and sobbing and telling myself aloud all the things i just really wanted at that moment. like for some prick who i wanted to love me back, for all my dreams to come true, for me to be stable for once. maybe i've never been quite stable or maybe stable enough to get me through or maybe we're all just lying to ourselves about our own stability and who really can define what stability is? ...can you tell it's almost 3 am ^_^. all of these neg thoughts are brewing and attacking and are utterly meaningless. idk what i'm trying to do. what you're trying to pull. i hope this post proves just how crazy i really am. jk. there's not a thing in this world that could depict my insanity bc no one really has that much time to waste.

men are terrible.

men are terrible.
terribly honest,
terribly not.
terribly romantic,
terribly cold.
terribly stupid,
see above.

Reading some of the past posts enlightens me, disgusts me, and yet further convinces me that we will always change. Our opinions and sometimes our hearts, for the better and for the worse. So what became of me? Branded with a mental illness, jumping headfirst into uncertainty in my new identity. It shouldn't be this way. It's not all of who I am. But it's my mind. And that's who I am. I'm at a new school, again. I'm staying here (hopefully/more than likely). You know what I really miss about Tech? I miss the freedom. I miss the freedom of cussing in class, being completely outspoken and borderline offensive. I miss being comedic and confident. I am these things, but toned down. Going to a Christian college kinda sucks. Especially in a town where there is nothing to do. No wonder there is a Meth/Cocaine epidemic. And people here are way too fucking into Jesus. But there is some highlights. I have no friends here. It was easier at Tech. I met so many wonderful people. But here? I've no clue. Sometimes I feel so weak and broken from adversity, that I'll just crack open completely and lose it again. Life is too beautiful to feel the way I feel. I miss writing eloquently. I miss people of substance. I. I. I. Shut Up. Don't look back. With anger. Or hurt. Resentment, grudges, pain, envy. To quote a nonexistent person: Just shut the fuck up and dance.

it's so good to see you

hey now. i remember this realm.
good knight, i couldn't even go on to
begin with how much has changed
since these long artsy-emotionally
errupted postings. and idk where
to begin.

For starters & leftovers.

Starters

-Religious "experiences"

-Straight Vodka

-Impromptu Roadtrip for Love

-Psychic phenomena

-Self-Discovery

-Metamorphism

-Unfiltered Honesty

-Health Extremes

Leftovers

-Stress

-Insecurity

-Envy

-Patience

-Confidence

-Insomnia

All in all, I'm still processing.

It's amazing.

I'm bettter.

IF YOU WANT TO TALK MY THOUGHTS ARE THE POST-ITS ON YOUR WINDSHIELD

I'm writing in my journal again. I forgot how freeing it was to write by hand. Since I practically hang out with my Cookietown friends every single night the only things my hands have been occupying are cigarettes or other substances of indulgence. I like blogging a lot, but journaling is more.... soulful.

On that random note, I Hate Facebook. It's nauseatingly simplistic, wrought with spineless vanity, and is an idle addiction. I mean since when the FUCK do we have to let our friends, family members, and possible one night stands know that we're eating Cheerios at 4 am and that aShlEy or m3g@n "likes this". Jesus Christ, is this really what the humans have come to? Remember when people had that thing called ummmm what is it? oh yeah! SUBSTANCE?! or hey, even I don't know, a LIFE?!

But the kicker is, EVERYBODY has one. Well, except my Mom because she, you know, WORKS. And because EVERYBODY has one and because I suck hard at keeping in touch with people and because I want to know what happens to EVERYBODY, what they're doing, feeling, thinking, going through, and yes, even what kind of cereal their eating. Not really, but you get the picture. All because the world is a sphere of happenings and being someone who has been in several life threatening situations, I want to connect with the humans. Damn it.

This blog post will be longer sometime in the near future.
I'm hungover.
& I "like this".